Last year I participated in a great holiday music party by the Hacienda Heights Orchestra. Wow! As a beginner I knew nothing. I could barely keep up with Jingle Bells. Well, this year will be different. I am already starting on the Christmas songs I will need to know this year.
The orchestra leader, who is my instructor, also asked me to bring a table of the violins I have made. I am grateful because I haven’t had the chance to do that.
It will be wonderful to see everyone again, and this time I may just get through a few songs.
Ugh, I’ve been off pitch! I’ve spent the past three months in fear (not realizing it) and learned valuable lessons about myself. As the weeks passed, I felt I was losing who I was—an artist, musician, composer, author, and violin maker. Having an Etsy store and a YouTube channel was sucking life out of me, so I deleted them both. When I did, the intensely stressful feelings fell from my back like a burden lifted.
“False Expectations Appearing Real (FEAR)”
I ignored the red flags and the gut feeling that opening the store and channel gave me, and didn’t want to admit it. I’d pray but not wait for the answers or proper confirmation, desperately trying to do what I believed was expected of me. I felt I was expected to have an Etsy store and a YouTube channel. Others kept telling me it was necessary.
After running into problems, spending countless hours rendering videos, and stressing about what I thought I needed to do next, my health began to get worse. I am disabled, diagnosed with several rare diseases. I’ve lost my career and outdoor hobbies, and I’m almost immobile. I also faint, fall, and have non-epileptic seizures daily. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) is the worst. The pain registers as 42 out of 50 on the McGill Pain Scale, which means it’s more painful than childbirth without medication at 35. It’s a 24/7/365 degenerative condition that spreads and is brutal. I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Type 3. All of this has caused me to gain nearly 100 pounds and get diabetes. I take over 20 medications every day and have an implanted spinal cord stimulator to help with the pain.
Just Google CRPS and you’ll get a small idea of what I experience daily.
How my feet look at the end of the day.
Taking on The Violin Lady was God’s idea, so I jumped into it too deeply, too quickly, and it backfired. I have always been ambitious about the size of tasks I take on. I do everything in a big way and am bold about it. So, I took on Etsy and YouTube, but I can’t do it. It’s been three months of exhaustion, and I finally feel free.
It’s time I focus on what is important to me, not others. My time on Earth may be shorter than expected, so I want to use it wisely. I’ll sell my violins on my websiteand by word of mouth. I love to make them and will keep going as long as possible. I will continue writing my books (I’ve published 15 since becoming immobile, all available on Amazon).
I’m tuned up now and will go forward as the genuine me.
Firstly, I write this to share an experience, not to defend myself.
I received a two-star review on my very first violin sale with my new Etsy store. It’s amazing to me that two little stars can crush our hopes and dreams—if we let them. But if we can look at the situation objectively, not taking it personally, we can see it’s not the end of the world.
Like it or not, we create the bad “reviews” and “dislikes” we get, and we get them by ignoring warning signs, among other things.
I felt uneasy about shipping out that violin. I had interpreted those feelings as being afraid that something would go wrong, and it did. I had debated about how I was going to package the violin for shipping, and I chose the wrong solution.
From the Buyer’s Etsy Review
The fingerboard of the violin popped off with the pressure caused by the delivery process, even though I had “Fragile” stickers on the package. So, I learned a valuable lesson. It was a mistake that I was very forthright about fixing once I saw the review. I was never contacted by the buyer after multiple attempts.
I was left to my emotions. I felt helpless and I’m not used to that. I’m used to facing problems head-on and taking care of them for an amicable resolution. This was not to be the case. I reached out by returning half of the cost of the violin and offered again to fix it. Instead, I took a big loss financially and emotionally. And I still heard nothing.
Taking it Personally
I haven’t had enough experience with selling my violins, or any other artwork I have created, to detach from the work emotionally. The emotions that rose up from this were ones of hurt, helplessness, vulnerability, and I felt my very character was attacked.
These emotions are merely emotions; they are not who I am as a person. They do not define me.
Still, it took me four weeks to process, and, at that time, I didn’t work on any violins, or practice, or take lessons (I was out-of-town for one of the lessons that I skipped.). I basically shutdown. I began to question my motives and abilities. I wanted to delete the entire Etsy store and quit. But I knew that wasn’t the way forward.
Believing the Lies
There are many lies coming against us daily. Lies that we aren’t good enough, that we won’t succeed, that we are failures, and that we will never amount to anything. These lies are spoken to us from traumatic pasts and fears of the future. They are positions of victimization that will end in victory and survival.
We can thrive when we can define the lies and commit to never believe them again. There are opportunities in this process to reframe how and what we think about ourselves too. And we must. We must learn to love ourselves and to love others.
Celebrate Anyway
This experience has reignited my resolve to make and sell violins. I took friends out to lunch to celebrate the sale anyway. This learning opportunity humbled me to keep God even closer to me in the process of creating.
Plus, my celebration is in the very Word of God. In Romans 12:19–21 Amplified version it says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome and conquered by evil but overcome evil with good.”
I didn’t need to do anything but be fair and pray.
So, I forgave the buyer’s two-star review, and I trust God wholeheartedly to resolve the matter as my Defender. And I will keep moving forward with my Etsy store, my blog, and my YouTube channel with God’s mercy and grace.
I think I know what the “rules” are for practicing an instrument. And I know that I don’t always do it that way. I don’t warm up and my fingers start hurting in the middle of my solo. When I practice scales and arpeggios, I get bored and act as though they are unnecessary, which they are. And let’s not mention that I don’t clean the violin after playing it. The violin I play most is a blonde-white, so the rosin dust doesn’t show and by the time I see it, well it’s pretty bad.
Oh, and using the tools available to me, like the metronome and recordings from the Essential Elements books. I only use them when I struggle. And then there’s the music I must practice for my lessons versus playing music I’ve composed. I feel absolute joy when I play my music, so I mix that in.
Flames Violin
I know my instructor knows. I always knew how much a student put into the work when I was a professor. So then, there’s this guilt and shame involved.
Bottom line is that I’m not respecting myself or the violin. It’s like some form of self-sabotage and it’s not the first time in my life I’ve behaved this way. I used to be a victim. I had many severe traumas as a child, so self-sabotage has been my way of getting out of doing something I’m afraid to do.
Playing violin scares me. I admit it. So, the question becomes, “How can I play if I’m scared?” My answer, face my fear. I’ve taken care of fear and victimization in many areas of my life, but music is difficult. I believe it was a squashed gift I should have thrived in doing. All this passive aggressive fear must go! So, I play, and I play, and I play.
Looking for a muse or waiting for inspiration is a huge waste of time. Whether it’s playing violin, composing music, or making any form of art, I don’t wait for good luck to happen—I don’t even believe in luck. I don’t wait for the planets to align or the night before a deadline. I use a strategy to be creative.
Yes, I use the left side of my brain to activate my right.
My go-to strategy for getting creative, brainstorming, planning, and organizing is to use a Mind Map. My second strategy, which I use in my Mind Mapping is The Creative Process, which I explain heavily in my book Hardwired for Creativity: Art Supplies for the Mindavailable on Amazon.
Mind Maps are quick and can be done alone, with a partner, or with a group—two heads are better than one and five are better than that. Scary, huh? Mind Maps can also solve any problem. Seriously, try it.
The beauty of a Mind Map is that it forces us to be non-linear thinkers. Linear thinking, such as A, B, C or 1, 2, 3., tends to stall or stop the Creative Spirit. Non-Linear thinkers tap into the Creative Spirit easily and are too often misunderstood for their efforts. Just because we jump from A to Q and then G, does not mean there’s something wrong with us. It means we can think all the way into and around the issue before putting it in order.
The Creative Process is very similar to the Scientific Process. The Creative Process includes these five steps:
Exploration, Research and Analysis
Ideation and Brainstorming
Designing and Planning
Developing and Producing
Evaluating the Solution for Improvement
NOTE: Each step of the process is enriched by using imagination and play, also in Hardwired for Creativity: Art Supplies for the Mind.
All That Said…
I’m mature in my creativity skills and The Creative Process is just part of who I am. But not so much with playing the violin or composing music. I’m new at this music stuff and can I just say, “It’s hard!”
Honestly, I have never even tried The Creative Process to write a song, learn a song, or as an approach to playing. I can see it now. I can Mind Map words to a song and maybe even a melody with rhythm. Then I can take the Map and organize the chorus, verses, etc. Humm, I’ve been waiting for a muse and maybe even some luck.
Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow Violin by Jana Rawling
What I felt was exciting and new. I had only dreamt of feeling that way. I’ve watched and listened to other musicians, and I could see and feel it happening to them. It’s something I’ve always wanted for myself.
Here’s what happened. I was determined to play a piece of music for each of the violins I make to upload to my YouTube Channel @TheViolinLady. So, I got my first violin back from our local Luthier who had placed the sound post for me. I tuned the violin and sat down to play. I started playing a song that I am learning and was still not confident playing it. After a million mistakes, I decided to play a short piece that I composed myself. I figured I knew it better and if I can’t play that, I need way more practice and a better solution for sound tests.
I played the song repeatedly and then it happened. I felt the notes in my heart and stomach. It was this indescribable joy that I felt. Each note I played I heard clearly as though I was part of the sound itself. My body responded by swaying to the music as if caught in some ethereal rhythm. I finally felt it.
I felt the music. I felt each note. I felt every note blend into the next. And the best part, I felt hope. I felt it was possible that I could play that way. I could play out of my heart with passion. And now I’m addicted. I want to play that way all the time.
So, that’s my new goal. Feel the passion for each note.
On a side note: I asked God a year or so ago how to play the violin. He said, “There’s time for every note and every note has passion.” To add to that I recently heard, “Intonation is a choice for every note you play.” These words of wisdom are beginning to sink in.
I was brainstorming and I already have designs for my next four violins. It’s exciting for me to make such beautiful violins and to be able to hear them is even better. I got totally vulnerable and shot video of me playing the Amber Violin. That will be part eight of the Amber playlist of videos. I’m hoping to get my instructor to play it for me too.
I thought it might be too much to show every little thing I do as I make the violins, like the time it takes to sand it, or layer on the stain. So, with my next one I did it all in two videos with lots of editing. I honestly am not sure which is the better way. Maybe somewhere in between. I will try that next time and see how it goes.
I’m made to make art and to be creative. Getting to do that with the violin is special to me. I love to lose myself in music and in art. I surrender to the Creative Spirit within, and the ideas flow freely. All my career I had to be creative more than 40 hours per week. I learned how to set everything aside and get to it.
I always keep a sketchbook or journal with me. If something happens that raises my emotions, I write about it quickly, close the book and push it aside. Then I can be creative. It’s a form of compartmentalizing my life. I leave the drama, fear, self-sabotage, unbelief, doubt, and worry in that book. I still feel symptoms of having a traumatic childhood, as many of us do.
Creativity and Design free me to be who I am made to be. I can’t imagine a life without artistic freedom. Creating. Putting my hands to work makes me happy and fulfilled because it’s part of my purpose.
I’ve been looking at colors I could use for violins. There are old-school traditionalists saying a violin should be oil-stained and polished. Some talk about thin layers of varnish. I get it. The sound can be affected by a heavy finish. The traditionalist comes from a world where classical must remain classical.
But I’m new at this violin stuff and I’m an artist. So, I have been thinking red, yellow, and blue. Of course, from there I can mix any color I want. Thing is, I don’t want to buck tradition and be ostracized, but I think my target audience is more open to something new. I think the audience is fun, passionate about playing, and wants to stand out from the crowd.
What do you think?
I haven’t any plans to paint an entire violin with dragons, bedazzle it with rhinestones, and cover it in race cars. I just want to take classical and enhance it enough to stand out and bring a sense of joy to owning a violin.
I’ve mentioned before that the most important thing to me is how it sounds and feels to play. So, full color or accents, or both. I need some help deciding. Would you buy a blue violin? What about one with a gradation of color?
I never thought I’d love something more than figure sculpture, but admittedly I do. Violin playing sparks something in my heart that I can’t explain. I even liked violin when I didn’t know the difference between a C-natural and a C-sharp. I’d screech out sounds that hurt my ears as I prayed anyone listening would be okay. I’d get the occasional, “Keep practicing.”
Today’s comments are much more encouraging. I’m feeling more confident—sometimes. If you asked me why I play I’d have difficulty explaining because it’s a mystery. It’s as though I was being led by a supernatural force that wells up deep from within. I’m not trying to be poetic it just is.
Hitting the Right Note
I used to be obsessed with golf, though I can no longer play due to being disabled. Hitting the ball perfectly made me love to play. There was a ping sound when the perfect swing connected with the ball. Watching the ball fly exactly as planned made every other crazy shot worth it. I went to the driving range several times a week and played every weekend—always at pace with the guys.
Golf is extremely technical to play. There are lots of pieces to put together to play the game. My left and right brain appreciates the complexity. Playing violin is the same for me. Hitting the right note with perfect intonation feels like hitting that golf ball just right.
We all need wisdom in at least one area of our lives. So, I ask for wisdom often. I ask for wisdom about relationships, finances, friendships, and life. Why not ask how to play the violin?
There are many religions and many gods. And a popular acceptance of the “Universe” for many characterizes the indescribable power of life. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to recruit or change your belief system. But I want to share this:
I asked God how to play the violin after beginning lessons. God told me, “There’s time for every note and every note has passion.”
Then, just last week, I heard, “Intonation is a choice for every note you play.”
Wisdom is Truth
Time seems to slow down when I play ever since hearing those words. I take every note seriously before it becomes part of who I am. I work on what notes I need to play, the rhythm, bowing, and dynamics (thanks to my amazing instructor, Jinette). And finally, I feel the music in my heart. The emotions of the music, especially when I play something I write. The music wells up from deep within my being. I feel the music in every cell of my body, as though I were made to play.
I believe in the power of asking wisdom questions. I won’t stop now. And maybe, just maybe, I will play with passion and meaningful intonation for others. Why? Because I want everyone to experience the beautiful mystery of music. Music that soothes the soul.
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