theviolinlady.blog

Tag: life

  • Good Intonation is a Choice for Every Note

    And I was Out of Tune

    Ugh, I’ve been off pitch! I’ve spent the past three months in fear (not realizing it) and learned valuable lessons about myself. As the weeks passed, I felt I was losing who I was—an artist, musician, composer, author, and violin maker. Having an Etsy store and a YouTube channel was sucking life out of me, so I deleted them both. When I did, the intensely stressful feelings fell from my back like a burden lifted.

    “False Expectations Appearing Real (FEAR)”

    I ignored the red flags and the gut feeling that opening the store and channel gave me, and didn’t want to admit it. I’d pray but not wait for the answers or proper confirmation, desperately trying to do what I believed was expected of me. I felt I was expected to have an Etsy store and a YouTube channel. Others kept telling me it was necessary.

    After running into problems, spending countless hours rendering videos, and stressing about what I thought I needed to do next, my health began to get worse. I am disabled, diagnosed with several rare diseases. I’ve lost my career and outdoor hobbies, and I’m almost immobile. I also faint, fall, and have non-epileptic seizures daily. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) is the worst. The pain registers as 42 out of 50 on the McGill Pain Scale, which means it’s more painful than childbirth without medication at 35. It’s a 24/7/365 degenerative condition that spreads and is brutal. I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Type 3. All of this has caused me to gain nearly 100 pounds and get diabetes. I take over 20 medications every day and have an implanted spinal cord stimulator to help with the pain.

    Just Google CRPS and you’ll get a small idea of what I experience daily.

    How my feet look at the end of the day.

    Taking on The Violin Lady was God’s idea, so I jumped into it too deeply, too quickly, and it backfired. I have always been ambitious about the size of tasks I take on. I do everything in a big way and am bold about it. So, I took on Etsy and YouTube, but I can’t do it. It’s been three months of exhaustion, and I finally feel free.

    It’s time I focus on what is important to me, not others. My time on Earth may be shorter than expected, so I want to use it wisely. I’ll sell my violins on my website and by word of mouth. I love to make them and will keep going as long as possible. I will continue writing my books (I’ve published 15 since becoming immobile, all available on Amazon).

    I’m tuned up now and will go forward as the genuine me.

  • The Two-Star Review

    Recovering Emotionally Before Physically

    Firstly, I write this to share an experience, not to defend myself.

    I received a two-star review on my very first violin sale with my new Etsy store. It’s amazing to me that two little stars can crush our hopes and dreams—if we let them. But if we can look at the situation objectively, not taking it personally, we can see it’s not the end of the world.

    Like it or not, we create the bad “reviews” and “dislikes” we get, and we get them by ignoring warning signs, among other things.

    I felt uneasy about shipping out that violin. I had interpreted those feelings as being afraid that something would go wrong, and it did. I had debated about how I was going to package the violin for shipping, and I chose the wrong solution.

    From the Buyer’s Etsy Review

    The fingerboard of the violin popped off with the pressure caused by the delivery process, even though I had “Fragile” stickers on the package. So, I learned a valuable lesson. It was a mistake that I was very forthright about fixing once I saw the review. I was never contacted by the buyer after multiple attempts.

    I was left to my emotions. I felt helpless and I’m not used to that. I’m used to facing problems head-on and taking care of them for an amicable resolution. This was not to be the case. I reached out by returning half of the cost of the violin and offered again to fix it. Instead, I took a big loss financially and emotionally. And I still heard nothing.

    Taking it Personally

    I haven’t had enough experience with selling my violins, or any other artwork I have created, to detach from the work emotionally. The emotions that rose up from this were ones of hurt, helplessness, vulnerability, and I felt my very character was attacked.

    These emotions are merely emotions; they are not who I am as a person. They do not define me.

    Still, it took me four weeks to process, and, at that time, I didn’t work on any violins, or practice, or take lessons (I was out-of-town for one of the lessons that I skipped.). I basically shutdown. I began to question my motives and abilities. I wanted to delete the entire Etsy store and quit. But I knew that wasn’t the way forward.

    Believing the Lies

    There are many lies coming against us daily. Lies that we aren’t good enough, that we won’t succeed, that we are failures, and that we will never amount to anything. These lies are spoken to us from traumatic pasts and fears of the future. They are positions of victimization that will end in victory and survival.

    We can thrive when we can define the lies and commit to never believe them again. There are opportunities in this process to reframe how and what we think about ourselves too. And we must. We must learn to love ourselves and to love others.

    Celebrate Anyway

    This experience has reignited my resolve to make and sell violins. I took friends out to lunch to celebrate the sale anyway. This learning opportunity humbled me to keep God even closer to me in the process of creating.

    Plus, my celebration is in the very Word of God. In Romans 12:19–21 Amplified version it says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome and conquered by evil but overcome evil with good.”

    I didn’t need to do anything but be fair and pray.

    So, I forgave the buyer’s two-star review, and I trust God wholeheartedly to resolve the matter as my Defender. And I will keep moving forward with my Etsy store, my blog, and my YouTube channel with God’s mercy and grace.

  • Disciplined Practice

    Nope. Not really.

    I think I know what the “rules” are for practicing an instrument. And I know that I don’t always do it that way. I don’t warm up and my fingers start hurting in the middle of my solo. When I practice scales and arpeggios, I get bored and act as though they are unnecessary, which they are. And let’s not mention that I don’t clean the violin after playing it. The violin I play most is a blonde-white, so the rosin dust doesn’t show and by the time I see it, well it’s pretty bad.

    Oh, and using the tools available to me, like the metronome and recordings from the Essential Elements books. I only use them when I struggle. And then there’s the music I must practice for my lessons versus playing music I’ve composed. I feel absolute joy when I play my music, so I mix that in.

    Flames Violin

    I know my instructor knows. I always knew how much a student put into the work when I was a professor. So then, there’s this guilt and shame involved.

    Bottom line is that I’m not respecting myself or the violin. It’s like some form of self-sabotage and it’s not the first time in my life I’ve behaved this way. I used to be a victim. I had many severe traumas as a child, so self-sabotage has been my way of getting out of doing something I’m afraid to do.

    Playing violin scares me. I admit it. So, the question becomes, “How can I play if I’m scared?” My answer, face my fear. I’ve taken care of fear and victimization in many areas of my life, but music is difficult. I believe it was a squashed gift I should have thrived in doing. All this passive aggressive fear must go! So, I play, and I play, and I play.