Two Weeks on the Couch

I said it wouldn’t stop me, but it did.

I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was not motivated at all. I kept telling myself I was just tired and needed rest, but after a few days, I knew I was depressed. My heart was broken. You see, I was diagnosed with five rare diseases, yes, five. These diseases led to my gaining nearly 100lbs and becoming diabetic, with liver and kidney disease from medications. As my primary doctor said, “You are next-level sick.”

So, four of the five rare diseases fall under the sixth diagnosis of Dysautonomia. They say that once you are diagnosed, because it’s hard to pinpoint, you have between five and 10 years to live. That was almost three years ago.

Because of the symptoms I deal with daily, I consider it a miracle when I can get up and be productive. Because of these medical conditions, I am weaker overall, especially emotionally. I grew up with multiple traumas, and I must work hard to stay positive, which doesn’t help when depression sinks in.

The Reality is…

Logically, I know I’m fine because God’s got my back. But those traumas like to rear their ugly heads when they can. I get stressed when things happen that throw me off course. That stress shows up as more medical symptoms, fear of failure, fear of man, and operating out of reactionary mode.

I’ve also struggled with perfectionism. I insisted on 4.0 GPAs in post-secondary education. I’ve always had the mindset to do everything with all my best efforts.

So, that single two-star review on my first violin sale on Etsy was devastating. Not being able to make it right was more hurtful than expected.

Violin Therapy

Playing and making violins helps me be hopeful and positive in the storm of my life. I kept my couch warm for two weeks and finally got moving yesterday. I picked up a violin, and all seemed well again. I’ve learned once again how powerful emotions can be. And how nothing matters but enjoying violins, staying stress-free, and loving those who’ve hurt me.

Jesus is the only answer to keeping my emotions in check. If I ever get another two-star review, I’ll lean even harder on God. And, hopefully, I won’t keep the couch warm.